


The Engagement Party

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-09
Updated: 2009-05-09
Packaged: 2019-01-19 15:09:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12412677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: James Potter isn't fond of Petunia Evans, nor is he fond of how she treats his Lily. Woken up early, and forced to go to her engagement breakfast, he intends to teach her a lesson. Marauder style. JL ONESHOT





	The Engagement Party

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

A/N: Hello! This is my newest of stories (and also my first on UR), written on my recently purchased laptop! It's also up on ff.net, so if you think you've seen it before, you just might've :) 

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter :). 

I yawned and rumpled my hair. It was early. Far, far too early to even be awake, let alone dressed (in a suit, mind you! Sirius would find this hilarious) and having breakfast. But I, James Potter, hater of the early morning, was awake, well dressed and having breakfast.

This is what happens when you fall in love with the most wonderful, crazy, feisty, beautiful, delicious, gorgeous woman on the whole planet. You have to get up early in the middle of your first summer as a non-student and go to a sodding breakfast with her extended family to celebrate her evil sister’s engagement to a walrus. Sorry, man-walrus.

Have I mentioned how much I hate Lily’s sister? Oh, I haven’t? Well, I loathe Petunia Evans, soon to be Dursley, with every fibre of my being. Not just because she’s gotten me up early, but because of how she treats Lily. The look on her face, the sneer she gets when she sees Lily smile at me, or catches her using her wand. It makes my blood boil. It’s just this look of fear and jealous rage... A bloody great Slytherin, she is. A right match for ol’ Snivelly. Lily tries to hide that it hurts her, you see. For some reason, she loves her great prat of a sister, but Petunia doesn’t seem to care about that. But I see through her pretending. So, today, I’ve made a decision. I’m going to pay Petunia back.

This isn’t just for waking me up early, though that’s definitely part of it.

I’m sure you’re thinking I should be well past these childish pranks, now that I’m mature and finished with school. But I’m really not, deep down. I’ve always just enjoyed a good bit of mayhem. I believe it was Padfoot who told me you’re either a Marauder for life, or not at all. I think he’s right. Smart bloke, my best mate.

So, anyway. Lily’s mum is sitting over at the head of the table, chatting to Dursley’s mother. I’m sitting between Lily, and her mad old Uncle, looking around at the Evans’ close extended family, and Dursley’s hideous immediate relatives. His parents and sister are taking up the majority of one side of the long table. Marge, the sister, is a few years older than him and breeds dogs. Understandably, as I doubt she’ll ever breed humans. She may have even barked at me before, though I couldn't really tell. When she got up to go to the toilet, I almost died from my desire to trip jinx her, but I refrained. It was just too easy to let her have it.

This is perhaps one of the poshest restaurants I’ve been in, and I must say it’s incredibly boring. Everything’s white and crystal and the waiter keeps eyeing off my hair like he thinks he can shave it off me when I’m not looking. 

I subconsciously rumple my hair, and wish very hard I had Sirius with me.

“So James, you met Lily through school, did you?” Great Uncle Alfred asks me kindly from my right. I’ve met Uncle Alf about six times now, and he’s asked me this every time. He’s getting on a bit these days, and isn’t as sharp as he used to be. But cracking bloke, even if a bit senile.

“Yes sir,” I reply, smiling, “She hated me for 6 or so years, and then got over it and realised how charming and lovely I am, and now she’s going to be stuck with me for the rest of her life,”

He laughed, “Ah yes, that’s right. I’ve asked you that before, haven’t I?”

“No sir, I don’t think you have,” I tell him politely. Lily chuckles from my left, and shoots me a grin

“Oh good! Just thought I’d check. I’ve been getting a bit senile, you see.”

“No!” I gasp, feigning shock, “You’re a spring chicken, Alf. How could you be getting senile?”

He laughs and claps me on the shoulder, “Ah, you’re a good boy Jimmy.” He turns to Lily, “You keep this one, you hear me Lils? He’s a charmer.”

Lily smiled at him warmly and took my hand, “Thanks, Uncle Alf, I’ll do just that.”

“’Lot nicer than that Vernon bloke,” he whispered to us in conspiring tones, “’Lot less of him too Lils, he’ll probably live longer!”

“Alfred!” Great Aunt Betty hissed, “What have I told you about saying that?”

“Not to say it?” He replied innocently

Lily and I sniggered into our coffee cups, and then shared a grin. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her look as beautiful as she does today. She has her hair up in this fancy bun, and she’s dressed in this deep green dress. She’s all shoulders and collarbones and perfect red lips. I’m going to marry her one day, I swear. I’m going to marry her and we’re going to have seven kids and they’re all going to be perfect and excellent at quidditch, and all our neighbours will hate us because we’re so noisy and our kids always beat their kids at everything. Alf and Betty continued to bicker about Alf’s big mouth in whispers, shooting looks at Petunia and Vernon, hoping they couldn’t hear.

I lean closer to Lily and whisper, “We’re going to be just like them when we’re old,”

She rolled her eyes, “I hope not. You’re enough of a hassle without going senile on me to boot.”

I kiss her cheek, “Ah, but you’d be terribly bored without me.” She gave a non-committal noise of agreement, and I added, “And don’t forget Lily, I’m a good boy.” 

She snorted, ignored my comment and put a piece of bacon onto my plate, “Eat up, dear.”

I chewed my bacon and watched my brother-in-law to be in silence, contemplating how best to ruin his perfectly slicked down hair-do. Appalling dress sense, this Vernon bloke. He was talking loudly about his new job at a drill company, and his chances for promotion (excellent, apparently.) To be honest with you, I’m not even sure what a drill _is_ and I’m horribly bored with this conversation. I cannot imagine how Petunia must feel, listening to that dribble daily. Hell, she’s going to listen to it daily for the rest of her life. And even with that knowledge, I still feel like I ought to ruin this party. You know, just because. That’s just how I roll.

“So, Petunia,” I call loudly over Vernon. I feel Lily stiffen, “Do you like drills too?” Lily kicks me under the table

Petunia arches an eyebrow at me, and purses her lips, “Yes,” She answers curtly, and puts the tiniest bit of bacon in her mouth and chews it ferociously. I feel elated. She absolutely loathes me! Uncle Alf gives me a wink.

“You really like them? “ I ask incredulously, encouraged by the wink. “They sound, well, rather boring.” Lily kicks me harder, and Alf sprays his orange juice all over the pristine tablecloth of the fancy restaurant in laughter. Betty is unimpressed. So are the Dursley’s. I barely contain a smirk.

“I beg your pardon!” Spurts Vernon, going purple. “What is it you do for living then, Potter?” Lily dropped her head into her hands

“Well, after getting top grades in all my subjects at school, I wanted to go into government,” I lie smoothly. What a joke! I’d sooner die than join the Ministry, “But my mother is very ill at the moment, and quite aged, so someone has to take care of her. I have no brothers or sisters, so there’s only me to do it.”

There are resounding noises of sympathy and Alf pats me on the back, “There, there, lad.” He tells me, “You’ll get there eventually.”

Petunia glares daggers at me, and Lily’s cheeks are the same colour as her hair. Marge is barking orders at the waiter and shooting me glares, but I’m gleeful. I’m winning. The conversation soon moves away from my apparently dying mother and Lily whispers to me angrily, “Your mother is perfectly well! I suggest you owl her later and make sure of it James Potter!”

I give her my best devilish grin, “Mum’s a battleaxe Lily, she’ll be right!”

Lily has fire in her eyes and spears a kipper with unwonted venom. Aside from Lily’s anger, my plan was going rather well. The gruesome twosome are flustered, I’ve found an ally in Alf, and an easy target in Marge. Perfect. Vernon is eyeing off the last chipolata. I quickly tossup between stealing it first, or transfiguring it into a goat. I settle on magic, but decide against transfiguration. Too obvious. Too messy.

He goes to spear it with his fork, and the chipolata moves away. He glares at it, perplexed, and tries again. Again, the chipolata moves away. I can practically hear him grinding his teeth in frustration. I stifle my laughter. Vernon Dursley is man of very little patience, and this chipolata was definitely pushing it. He stabs at it again, this time deciding it’s a good idea to go at it faster and harder. I allow myself the smallest snigger and move it again. His ham-like hand slams into the plate, causing a loud bang, and for the chipolata to be shot into the air. The whole table gasps in horror and we all watch as the chipolata sails towards Petunia, to land-

Down the front of her brand new, extremely expensive, salmon coloured chiffon dress. Petunia shrieks in terror, and suddenly there is chaos where there was calm. Petunia is out of her chair, screeching and stamping her feet, trying to get the offending piece of meat out of her dress. Vernon is purple in the face again and on his feet too, one hand down her front, trying to pull the thing out. She grabs her matching salmon handbag and wallops him over the head with it,

“YOU’RE NOT HELPING VERNON!” she yells shrilly, trying to jerk away from him. He takes his hand back quickly, looking shocked. With a final shake of her skirts, the chipolata falls out at long last. I think I’ve cracked a rib from containing my laughter. With a loud sob, Petunia sprints towards the bathroom, the beginnings of a tantrum clean on her face. The waiters are suddenly surrounding us, cleaning Vernon’s mess. Vernon is cutting up fried tomatoes, and eating them with gusto as if nothing has happened. His mother is apologising for him profusely, and the rest of the patrons in the restaurant are eyeing our party with thinly veiled distaste.

“I’ll go after her,” Said Marge importantly, getting to her feet. “This needs a delicate touch.” She looks at Lily as she says it, a rather nasty, contemptuous smile on her face. Lily glares, half-way out of her seat, and sits back down. How dare she look at my Lily like that! I eye her off, my fist clenched around my wand. Marge has squeezed herself into a horrible slate-grey dress suit with tacky gold buttons and matching gold shoes. This time, I don’t resist the trip jinx. Uncle Alf roars with laughter as the obese bird goes flying through the air, screaming all the way. In an attempt to prevent herself from falling flat on her face, Marge stretches out a hand to steady herself. This results in her grasping onto the table cloth of the couple at the table next to us, and pulling their breakfast down with her, right on top of her head.

It was glorious.

“Marge!” Vernon shouts, alarmed, and on his feet again. The Dursley’s rush over to pick up their daughter, who is sobbing and in a complete state of shock. Lily and her mother run over to help Marge, with everyone apologising loudly to the shocked restaurant owner. The couple having breakfast are on their feet, yelling at the restaurant staff to do something. I can hear them both complaining about having tomato sauce in their shoes. The rest of the restaurant is in the shambles, talking loudly and pointing at Marge. Many people were laughing wildly, while others grumbled about the disturbed piece.

“OH MY GOODNESS!” Petunia yells, her eyes wide, “Marge! What happened, is she alright?” There is much discussion as Marge is lead back to the table, and Vernon hands the owner a small bundle of bills and mutters an apology for, “all this unfortunate nonsense”.

 “Oh no, everything is ruined!” Petunia wailed, “My engagement party is ruined!”

“We’ll have another, sweetheart,” Vernon promised her, “One as big and as showy as you like!” She proceeded to wail loudly into his shoulder, smearing make-up, tears and snot all over his new suit. 

I gave Uncle Alf a nudge and tipped him with my champagne. He grinned and knocked his glass roughly against mine. The champagne spilled everywhere, and we grinned at one another. I cannot wait to go home and owl Sirius.

I turned to find emerald eyes burning into mine, questioning my innocence. I give her an impish grin and a careless shrug of my shoulders.

What?

No one messes with my Lily.

  



End file.
